Men's Clothes Suck

Excite Belt!

2007-03-05T14:51:00.000-06:00

I gotta give it up for this. Stylish yet classy. If you'd rather crack-out to 8-bit Metroid than Gears of War there's finally something that will help you destroy your own personal ass-crack. I predict this one accessory will inspire me to really start taking fashion seriously. In fact I've decided to finally do it: I'm going to try wearing pants.

Bottom Gun

2006-11-29T10:39:00.000-06:00

Yes, that's a chinchilla bomber jacket. I must visit the alternate reality that outfits it's military with these puppies (sorry!). It must be a world where global conflicts are settled on the dance floor. Hey, it's only 6 large. You should get two. Then we could both most certainly be mistaken for veteran pilots as we take our moms out to brunch.

You've got big balls.

2006-11-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

Custom jeans for $45! Bad pics though which scares me. They might be dorky looking but that's not a bad price to try it out. You should let me know how that goes. Make sure you don't select the "Cavaricci" style. Man those guys must still be taking shit for that. "Hey, I know! Let's add these big ass wings on the front!" Hot. They're probably still wearing all the overstock and can't even get into the bar at Outback Steakhouse. I can just see them peaking into the window and getting super pissed because Hammer is in there flirting with the new waitresses. Man, Hammer's car is gonna get fucked up.

Nike Spurs are next.

2006-11-03T16:34:00.000-06:00

Sometimes people take retro a little too far. That's ok. The Monkeys sorta tried it too and they had that cool apartment. If you're gonna go back though, just go all the way. Bring back the Grecian leaf-crown or further, the leopard skin one-shoulder unitard with oversized club. Personally I'm looking for a chain mail hoodie. It's for my ren-fair rapper outfit. Forsooth, Weonch!

Worst Superhero Ever.

2006-10-20T17:02:00.001-05:00

Tie Man
Originally uploaded by icarusjapan.

I know. I love ties too. I'd dress film noir everyday if I could. I suppose I actually can but then occasionally I'd look at little over dressed these days. Like this gentleman. Being a leading expert on cool clothing now I can assure you this guy's look is not as hot as you think. At minimum stick with the pants plus shirt theory. You'll make it home if you take the subway and you wont have to constantly squat when you pay for things. Sorry, Pam!

News Flash: Boat shoes aren't goth.

2006-10-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes something comes along that makes me want to break my $100 rule. I'd have to try these on first but I like what I see so far. Well, technically that's $100 per shoe, right? Problem solved. They actually have a lot of cool shoes on sale right now. And they're really not too expensive. I'm just a big whiner. Besides I see you're making the big bucks now with your fancy "matching socks" and "toothbrush".

Bringing Sucker Back

2006-10-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

Justin Timberlake released a new line of $200 jeans and $50 logo covered t-shirts which bring sexy neither back nor hence. Thanks, Justin! Big help. Should I make my check out to "JT" or "Mr Douche Sommelier"? I love his albums but I can live without them just like these clothes. If you're spending $200 on jeans you're probably trying too hard to get some. Here's a tip: Tijuana. $200 will get you lots of love and delicious sopes. You will also come home with change in your pocket and cheap prescriptions to control the outbreaks.

This things I know.

2006-10-16T15:57:00.001-05:00

Tight Clothes
Originally uploaded by Inkybrain.

I've learned stuff since I've become a world renowned professional fashion blogger. For example, nice clothes are only a part of the equation. They have to fit right first. Try things on before you buy and don't be afraid to walk away if it feels wrong. Just like Friendster or that "incident" you had at summer camp.

Less is more.

2006-10-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you go to work in your snazzy new outfit and sometimes when you do they make you go home. Whatever you do don't give up. We can do this. We are going to find cool work clothes together. I'm not waxing my stomach with you again, though. Also, please stop trying to leave your "The Bachelorette" DVDs at my place.

Does this shirt make me look like a parking lot?

2006-10-12T16:50:00.000-05:00

I like the cuffs and the slightly non-normal details of these shirts. They're not too weird but not boring and they're sturdy so it'll survive the rigors of your night out at the tranny dinner club. I like this one but it's hard to tell the cut of it because it looks like the shirt model is pulling the shirt back so it appears more tailored when it's probably not.
What else are you hiding from us, shirt model?? LET ME HEAR YOU SING "BIG SPENDER"!!

André 3000 would be proud.

2006-10-12T16:19:00.001-05:00

The cool hat makes you cool.
Originally uploaded by noah es muy guapo!.

It's getting cold out so you should have a good hat. I'm not sure which haberdashery this gentleman found his but I would probably avoid it. Also avoid any clothing stores with "Play It Again Sports" in the name.

The $400 hoodie: When irony eats itself.

2006-10-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

I remember in the early 90s when the mall sold flannels for $40. Things like that makes it hard sometimes to jump on the fashion bandwagon. Although maybe I should start buying up all the braided leather belts I can find. Extra long ones for the dangle effect. That shit has to next big thing in hipster clothes. This is all based on my new Uncle Jesse From Full House Fashion Predictor. That d00d was ahead of the curve. Now where the fuck can I find kegs of mousse?

Fashion Accessories by Tron

2006-10-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

I totally love all these future-watches I see about every 10 minutes on the electronic-tubeweb. I hate wearing watches though. Someone please start future-thinking on everything else in the world. Here's a list of things I need in order of ascending importance:

- Self-heating winter clothing
- Fortified gummi vegetables
- Car INTERIOR washes
- Curry burgers
- 40 minute roller coasters

Fashion Therapy Session: Part 11

2006-10-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes your dog is more hip than you. Some dogs are workers like that. They need things to do. Just rub their bellies and thank them for still hanging with you while you're still purging golf shirts from your closet. Don't worry. You'll catch up.

Cool men's shoes or soul-collapsing profanation?

2006-10-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

Oh fuck you, Reebok. Souless company exploits dead artist's work...BUT DAMN WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO HOT??

Rbk_54: I'd like to slip these on you
luku: it would be illegal not to lol!
Rbk_54: did you measure them for me yet?
luku: i need one of those dealies with the sliders
Rbk_54: i can give you extra arch support
luku: wait. we're not talking about sodomy, right?
Rbk_54: no, just shoes
luku: oh
luku has left the room

Hipster Clothes That Look Better On You: Part 14

2006-10-05T14:07:00.000-05:00

I really want to like this but I just don't. It's just not me but you should get it. Pretty reasonable too for a nicely cut jacket. I'd love to wear suits everyday for everything but I also love having no credit card debt. Just think though how suave I'd look at the comic shop. I don't think my Hawaiian shirt with tie look has the same effect.

YAY!!!

2006-10-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

I got so much shit for wearing Funderoos as a kid. Even though I thought I was being safe by picking out the manly race car ones. I could've went with the eyebrow raising cowboys but that's not what people are thinking when you're spotted in these babies. They're pretty much only thinking that they should make a generous pledge at the next telethon.

Nothing says "Bad Ass" like hearts. And Highlights.

2006-10-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'd wear this. Their other stuff is ok too. Kinda fun. T-shirts though. That seems to be guy's lot in life. Maybe I should just accept it. I already have more t-shirts than a Fonzie convention. All i need now is to rent an apartment above a suburban garage and only hang out with high school kids and I'll be cool!

No, thanks.

2006-10-03T13:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, but they're only $399? Well in that case let me just chip some diamond off my front tooth. At literally 100 times the cost of most sunglasses they must be 100 times the quality, right? I'm betting no. But they most come with a lifetime warranty and see into the future? Sadly, no. However if you've bought these I have a prediction: You're going to die alone.

I'm not making this shit up.

2006-10-02T16:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, that is a hood with sleeves. I know. Do you see why I had to start this blog? Oh, and it costs about as much as one or two pairs of jeans which would look about as cool on your head. Can we get some focus here? Yes, a little edgy is a good thing but who's the dickhead giving a designer gig to Carrot Top? Hint: Look for the guy wearing one all the way to the bank.

At least one person likes your blog.

2006-10-02T14:22:00.000-05:00

That's really what this shirt is telling the world. Jesus in fact loves your blog. Lower-case bold loves. That's a huge endorsement for $7. Jesus loves bargains too! That d00d is cool. In fact I'm going to enhance mine by adding "AND MY WALLET!" to help spread the gospel. I've never been to church before though. That might not be in the bible.

These will look ok with shorts, right?

2006-09-29T16:14:00.001-05:00

Frog Galoshes
Originally uploaded by A is for Angie.

Because I'm never taking these off no matter the season. Actually I think this is the beginning of my super hero costume. I guess I'm destined to fight criminal fly cartels in damp and mildly flooded regions. Now I just need some cool weapons and a theme song. Can you give me Jan Hammer's phone number? Thanks.

How to dress like a hipster and/or coolest girl in the world.

2006-09-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

At first I was like "Hell yeah! Flying V!" Then I thought about it and it seems lame to own a shirt with a flying V on it. What is not lame is actually PLAYING a flying V. They should make shirts instead that say "My other shirt is a flying V." Oh man, a guitar AS a shirt is even more rock! How do you out rock that? You'd have to literally make Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley from KISS into a pair stretched-lobe earlets. I bet you'd smell awesome!

Hipster clothing in abundance

2006-09-28T16:35:00.001-05:00

IMG_1944
Originally uploaded by Beacon High.

This ebay d00d has a large supply of hipster clothes from the UK. A lot of it starting at £0.01 which sounds cheap. And classy. Hipster tip: If you find a lot of things you like don't wear them all at once. I learned that the hard way one time I was trying to put on all my socks at the same time because sometimes the fall season doesn't start fast enough and I have to make up my own new shows.

Fall means summer clearance!

2006-09-27T15:57:00.001-05:00

Just wait til there's a Slight Breeze
Originally uploaded by skootie.

Summer comes and you're always looking at the last minute for a swimsuit. Avoid all that by picking one up now. Clearance racks are still up and sporting some dandies. Looks like this one will also hold your keys and a pizza slice quite nicely.

Style for a sawbuck.

2006-09-27T15:09:00.000-05:00

$10 shirts that at least look cool. The shirts they use are not that comfy though but it'll just give you an excuse to take it off. I'm working on that move along with my "Wow, it really hurts my chest when I flex like this..." I think I got a winner if I can combine them. Look for more can't-lose tips in my upcoming book "Excuse me, Is There Ink On My Ass?"

Paris Hilton is a man.

2006-09-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

I just have a hunch on this one. I'm betting he just got sick of the postage stamp sized men's departments in clothing stores. Day-one probably started by "innocently" taking something off the rack of cocktail dresses next to the guy's Messenger Biker pants display and bringing it into the dressing room. Bye bye, Parker Hilton. Hello, Paris! Oh man, I hope I'm right. He would be likeable then. Seriously though, someone still needs to punch her in the dick.

Pink is the new awesome.

2006-09-26T15:14:00.001-05:00

Guys in Pink Shorts
Originally uploaded by skootie.

It seems like people can pull off anything if they're all wearing the same thing in a group. Like if you see a group of stormtroopers at Orange Julius you know where all the ladies are going to be at. But if you're the only one in a snowtrooper outfit the other stromtroopers are going to wait until you're standing in front of Victoria's Secret to point at you and yell "He pooped his pants in 3rd grade gym!" I swear those assholes are going to pay.

Prepare for Gothtober.

2006-09-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

OK, Here's a decent start. I hate the thought of going to most big chain places but since I'm so picky I have to get what I can get. Banana Republic makes solid quality clothes but usually their prices are crazy for something I'm going to spill nacho cheeze on in 3 days. But hey, there's a SALE! Now I can finally slather my ribs with extra jelly and hog down. $40 for a nice dress shirt is totally fair especially considering it's slim-fit. That means it might actually fit since most US men's clothes are cut for giant walking pears. Sorry, Dad!

Don't do it.

2006-09-25T18:26:00.000-05:00

Ever. Seriously. You'll will get beat up. By American Girl shoppers. And the sleeves just keep falling in your chili. What? How do I know? Secret Santa. My job totally sucks.

This is what I'm not talking about.

2006-09-25T16:03:00.000-05:00

Someone call ABBA. They're probably wandering the city barefoot right now crying and scaring children with their at present less than enthusiastic hobo-shuffles. Don't worry, ABBA. The starting bid is only $75! You'll be back to the hustle in no time as long as you have PayPal and a limited sense of dignity.

Wardrobe 101

2006-09-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite bands right now, The Life and Times, prints their tour shirts on Bellas. They seem like a cool company and I'm really impressed with the weight and feel of their shirts. Anyways, Every wardrobe needs some unoffensive-blandness-yet-sharp for the times you're not sure to go dressy or casual. You know like when you go to your buddy's to watch the game but you're really hoping to makeout with his sister.

I think the scarf completes it.

2006-09-25T15:30:00.001-05:00

Me in My Favorite Outfit
Originally uploaded by kidplastik.

Witness here the beginning of my theory coming to life: Hipsters will someday decide the coolest clothes are no clothes. Hopefully for the rest of us it will be when this guy discovers vitamins.